A Calvinist said to me that non-Calvinists “like a push-button god” and this was my response:

Seems to me Calvinists are the ones who are always telling God what he can and can’t do. Calvinists are always attempting to control God. 

“What’s that you’re doing there God? Giving humans freewill?  No, no, no, you can’t do that. Then you wouldn’t be sovereign anymore. You’re too stupid to make beings with freewill without losing your sovereignty, so here, let me show you how its done [Calvinist shows God a diagram of how to build a robot]. See, God, isn’t that much better?” 

“Wait, what’s that you’re doing God? Sending Jesus to die for all humanity?  No, no, no, that just won’t do. Don’t you know that that would be wasteful? You’d be wasting drops of Jesus’ blood.  See, God, you idiot, don’t you know that each drop of Jesus’ blood LITERALLY washes away one person’s sin only? So if you have Jesus die for all he’d shed too many drops of blood, that would be a waste, kind of like pouring expensive oil on Jesus’ head when it could have been sold for 500 bucks. So WE, the few, the brave, the Calvinists, can’t let you do that God.  Now, sit your butt down and listen to Calvin’s sermon. If you roll your eyes even once, he’ll have the magistrate perforate your tongue, God, so sit still and behave.”

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